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The
Reality Quiz

Which colour dominates your answers?

1. You see a car parking space in town. Who do you thank?
a) God; b) Mister Nobody; c) my lucky stars; d) my blind luck; e) my aromatherapist

2. You are involved in a major road traffic accident. You are injured and bleeding badly. Who do you want to see when you open your eyes?
a) Jesus, the Son of God; b) ideally, my reflexologist; c) a policeman; d) a paramedic;
e) my accountant; f) any Manchester United first-team player

3. You are involved in a minor traffic accident. Who is to blame?
a) The Almighty; b) casual bad luck; c) the other effing driver; d) me, because I was speeding/using my mobile phone/dozing/not paying attention/picking my nose/lighting a fag; e) my horoscope; f) anybody but me

4. You get the job you wanted. Who do you thank?
a) The Greek God Zeus; b) hands on heart, my mother; c) my horoscope; d) me, for my hard work, and for being the right person, in the right place, at the right time; e) the person with the wisdom and foresight who chose me; f) superstitious beliefs, in that I didn’t walk under any ladders, I didn’t step on cracks in the pavement, I touched wood, and even arranged all my furniture according to fen shui

5. Just before the judge declares his sentence, who do you blame for your predicament?
a) The Egyptian Boy God Tutankhamun; b) the police, always, the bl****y police; c) the man who grassed me up; d) me; e) bad luck; f) my horoscope

6. Your washing is blowing nicely on the line. It starts to rain. Who’s to blame?
a) Jesus; b) easy: my horoscope; c) no-one; d) bad luck, it’s just the weather; e) it’s got to be global warming

7. You’ve just won a tidy sum on Lotto. Who gets the praise?
a) Yahweh; b) lucky luck; c) my horoscope; d) me (for picking the numbers) and sheer good fortune; e) my Mum

8. You’ve just scored the winning goal in an important match. Who gets your thanks?
a) Thor, the Teutonic god of thunder; b) who but my coach?; c) my Mum; d) good fortune and team work; e) my brilliant self; f) my horoscope

9. You’re the first man on Mars. Who is responsible for this huge achievement?
a) The Almighty; b) I, I, I, me, me, me; c) my horoscope; d) dedicated scientists; e) my reflexologist; f) Arsenal Football Club

10. You’ve heard an asteroid will collide with Earth in 40 years time. Who could possibly save England?
a) The Son of God; b) likely to be the world’s astrologers; c) David Beckham; d) dedicated scientists; e) Batman and Robin; f) Gordon Brown

11. You’re about to die of cancer. Who do you really, really want to see?
a) The Roman God Mars; b) Surely my Mum/Dad/husband/wife/son/daughter; c) my aromatherapist; d) a doctor with an immediate cure; e) a priest

12. You have just read The God Delusion. Who do you thank for its revelations?
a) The Almighty; b) obviously my horoscope; c) the author; d) dedicated scientists

13. Your friend says she has found a new aromatherapist. What’s your reply?
a) “God!”; b) “Never! I’m happy with mine”; c) “What’s one of those?”; d) “Get a life!”

14. You celebrate your 80th birthday surrounded by family and friends. Who do you thank for your good health and happiness?
a) The Almighty; b) satisfactory horoscopes; c) good luck; d) my genes

15. You’re a six-year-old girl living in Dafur. Who do you wish to meet today?
a) Jesus; b) everybody’s favourite: Jane Goody; c) a soldier with an AK47; d) an aid worker with milk and food; e) Cliff Richard

16. You're a pensioner living alone in an inner-city flat. You hear a knock at the door. Who do you hope is there?
a) a man of God; b) neighbours from hell; c) my drug supplier; d) a neighbour or relative with food and friendship; e) Jehovah’s Witnesses

17. You’ve just been made bankrupt. Who’s the key to solving the problems in your future?
a) Jesus; b) the banks; c) the government; d) me; e) my parents

18. You’ve been a really naughty boy. What happens?
a) The Catholic God says you will burn in Hell’s everlasting fires; b) the government decides to tax whatever it was you were doing; c) Your Mum says you shouldn’t have done it, but she still loves you; d) nothing that changes the course of the planet through the cosmos, prevents the sunrise or stops the tide coming in

19. That woman over there is wearing the same dress as you. Who do you blame?
a) God; b) her, that woman over there; c) my horoscope; d) no-one, it’s just bad luck;
e) the wrong crystals

20. You’re tapping keys on your PC and it crashes, losing you an hour’s complicated work. Who do you blame?
a) God; b) Indisputedly, Microsoft; c) Bill Gates, who’s far too rich; d) me. I should have saved it; e) The Post Office/Tiscali/AOL/any other internet service provider

21. England have just beaten a set of foreigners. How do you celebrate:
a) praising God; b) sipping a martini; c) swigging Stella; d) saying “Well done, England” and continuing with a normal life; e) getting totalling rat-a****d on anything to hand

If you answered mostly red you should read The God Delusion or log onto www.whywontgodhealamputees.com or http://www.patcondell.net (Pat uses some very strong language on his videos. I may agree with his sentiments but I couldn't possibly state them in such strong terms.). You could also try http://englishatheist.com. And you should Google Christopher Hitchens too. Christopher and Stephen Fry debate "Is the Catholic Church a force for good in the world?" with Archbishop John Onaiyekan and Ann Widdencombe MP on an evening called Intelligence Squared. Brilliant!

If you answered mostly green, blue, yellow or grey you need to come into the real world and get your head out of Cloud Cuckoo Land.

If you answered mostly magenta, you are in the real world. Congratulations!

Mike Wilson